The irresistible draw of boating is clear to celebrities, as we explained in our article on why Johnny Depp, Billy Joel, and Alan Jackson own boats, and it’s clear the rest of us boat owners as well. But it may be difficult to understand for those who don’t already own boats. Does that include you, dear reader? If so, allow us to introduce you to five indisputable scientific facts which will explain why you should go out and buy yourself a new boat, post-haste.

Alan Jackson Aquapalooza

Alan Jackson is such a dedicated boater, he even puts on a yearly Aquapalooza concert which you can only get to by boat. As you can see, he does attract quite a crowd.

1. Fuzzy Maths
Contrary to popular belief, upon closer inspection boating is actually an excellent investment. The more time you spend on the water the more relaxed and tranquil you become, strengthening your mind and body. In fact, boating is one of the few known activities that has been proven to extend your natural life-span. For every 10 hour period spent on a boat, you gain life by approximately 1.3 minutes times the square root of the length of your boat, divided by beam. Thus, your ability to remain in the workforce is extended, eventually paying for your boat, mooring expenses, fuel costs, and maintenance. If you use your boat for fishing, add in the average number of casts you take per trip divided by the amount you spend on bait, minus the number of times you hook yourself.

Here’s the actual Boating Additional Life Span (BALS) equation, for you mathematicians:

BALS = 1.3 x ({~LOA/Beam) + (C/worms) – ouch

2. Family Matters
Boating helps to draw a family closer together. Want to spend more time with your text-obsessed teenager? Do you, your spouse, and your kids need to learn to work together as a team? Are you looking for a way to reconnect with your sibling? Boating can do all of these things for you. If only because you will be trapped together in an area slightly larger than a bathtub.

3. Save the Environment
We all know that powerboats burn fossil fuels (and sailors talk so much about not burning fuel that their hot air contributes to global warming), but becoming a boat owner helps planet Earth in a multitude of ways. There are all kinds of nasty chemicals in fibreglass resin, like styrene, methylethyl ketone, and uranium. By curing this nasty stuff into a boat hull, it gets locked up into a solid form and can no longer do environmental harm. Of course, people wouldn’t just go out and make boat hulls if other people, like you and me, didn’t buy them. So spending money on a boat gives scientists and boatbuilders the initiative they need to gather those chemicals together and turn them into boats.

4. Fame
Once you buy a boat, you’ll be just like Johnny Depp, Billy Joel, and Alan Jackson—plus other famous boat owners, including Eddie Jordan (see Oyster 885: The Yacht That Eddie Jordan Chose) Tiger Woods, Martha Stewart, Dennis Rodman, and George H.W. Bush. As fellow boat owners, their fame will trickle down to you, via a special kind of nautical osmosis. Seriously. We promise.

5. Enjoyment
Boating gives us a healthy sense of humour - these five reasons are proof of that! How can we not laugh at ourselves, after spending half of our yearly salaries on an item that produces no income, breaks half the time we use it, and sucks all of our spare time away into some black hole?

If you don’t own a boat just yet, you still might not get it. But trust us, one day you will. Because there’s not a dedicated boater out there who can imagine life stuck on dry land—we love it that much.

Which means there is, in fact, a certain logic to owning a boat.