As a man who loves cars, boats and anything else that can be fitted with an engine, I find it slightly sacrilegious that a woman might be impressed by me purely on account of my toy collection, even if it were to include one of the six sexiest boats afloat.
However, I wouldn’t be offended by the attention and I might even court it. After all, I know how powerful the impact can be when the tables are turned. Imagine for instance, if a woman were to step from the driver’s seat of a classic Citroen DS or an AC Cobra and flash you a smile.
The deal would be done very sharply – and yet women it seems are slightly more discerning. Their heads are not so easily turned, so in this brief but devilishly clever review of “Boats to wow the women”, I have conjured up five very different options to help keep all bases covered… of course they are all powerboats. If it is something of the sailing variety that appeals more, see Ladykillers: top yachts to get the girl.
(1) Riva Aquariva Super
We all know that Riva makes some of the best, most expensive and most desirable boats in the world – and yet even a lady with no idea about boats will probably want your children when she sees the quality of the woodwork on the exquisitely barreled haunches of your Aquariva Super (see Aquariva Super: a classic sportscar on water).
This 33-footer is a real highlight in the fleet, with an authentic open sportsboating experience allied to great communal space. With twin 380hp Yanmars and an unstinting arrangement of polished wood and hand-stitched leather, it also offers a lovely fusion of the past and the present and a compelling blend of luxury and performance. Of course, an Iseo or Rivarama Super would do just as well (as would any of the classic models), but as long as you pick a relatively small, open Riva that is heavy on the heritage and light on the ostentation, you really can’t go wrong.
After a day sipping Champagne on your favourite lake, simply head back to your country pile for a spot of grouse with decanted port on a bearskin rug by a glowing heraldic inglenook. Job done…
Expect to attract: Ladies of the manor.
(2) MasterCraft X-55
It’s no secret that if you have a big wallet and equally big watersports and après-ski aspirations, MasterCraft is a brand that commands extraordinary appeal – and rarely more so than in the form of the X55. As the largest of the X Series craft, with a length of 25 feet and a beam in excess of ten feet, you get the usual quality of fit-out alongside a bow that works every bit as hard for communal seating as the cockpit. The result is seating for 18 people, along with an enclosed heads compartment, a wet bar with optional fridge and the ability to kick up a mountainous wake.
The ZeroFlex tower, wake plate and 1,120-pound ballast system come as standard but it would be a mistake to confine your thoughts to watersports alone because the X55 is as unashamedly geared towards a floating party as any boat out there – and why not. After all, you’ve got money, fitness, youth and tunes. You’ve got cool board shorts, a funky handshake, creative facial hair and the ability to speak a language only attractive young people can understand. Use it while you can…
Expect to attract: Youthful, sun-worshipping party people.
(3) Cigarette muscle boat
With a repositioned cockpit, Cigarette’s delightfully overstated new Marauder SS enjoys an even longer, more sweeping, more rapier-like bow – and while I’m not one to sully automotive design with phallic parallels, there is no doubt that a man at the wheel of a boat like this is likely to feel quite potent.
Naturally enough, the Marauder backs up its posturing with 1,350hp dual turbocharged Mercury Racing engines so you can scare the hell out of any unprepared admirers. If you wanted to tone it down a bit you could always pick the more modestly styled 50 AMG Black Series – and by the same token, Cigarette’s smaller 42 Huntress also makes much more sense in every conceivable way. But of course that’s not the point. The point is that this is an unapologetic dinosaur of a boat is perfect for an unapologetic dinosaur of a man.
You might be a drug smuggler, a racer or a pimp – but whatever you are, you’re wealthy, you’re edgy and you’ve got an attractively dark streak. This is not about whispering French poetry at sunset or plucking flowers for a lady’s hair. This is the marine equivalent of a sexual proposition.
Expect to attract: Fast-living thrill addicts.
(4) Eddie Jordan’s Sunseeker 155
Here we have Sunseeker’s newly launched tri-deck flagship – a 155-foot beast of a thing belonging to Eddie Jordan. Costing a cool £32 million, it comes with five bedrooms, its own nightclub and a fuel tank that will cost you £80,000 to fill. Named Blush, this British designed and built vessel also boasts a range in excess of 4,000 miles, space for 10 crew, a separate Captain’s cabin and a rather lovely ‘Ice Blue’ hull. You also get VIP cabins with floor-to-ceiling windows, balconies with panoramic sea views, a commercial galley and a Sky Lounge on the upper deck.
In fairness of course, what a superyacht (any superyacht) says about your taste tends to be far less flattering than what it says about your wallet – but in a world where thick footballers are preyed upon by wannabe princesses, your bid to attract admirers is unlikely to be damaged by the vagaries of personal style.
Expect to attract: Diamond-hungry label-lovers.
(5) Jonathan Wilson 57
Okay, don’t laugh. A narrowboat is all about proper men with boiler suits and flat caps and thickset forearms. It’s about respect for things like beer and cheese and relaxed conversation and slow self-awareness.
The narrowboat owner lives in a world of steady industrial might – of steel boats and coal fires and vast lock gates in deep-cut channels. He is a practical, strong, self-reliant character who enjoys the romance of an ever-changing landscape – and we all know how much the ladies love that. What they love much less, however, is the small wallet, the sparing approach to the use of water, the inability to pass up the chance for a tangential chat and the propensity to ignore the real world and drift off on clouds of sugared whimsy. Oh well. One woman’s catnip is another woman’s cabbage…
Expect to attract: Hippie-happy, shower-shy, good-life fantasists.